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A Witness to Suffocation

I started this blog as a platform to show my perspective on COVID and how this monster was suffocating loved ones I fought for. I watched my patients take their last breaths. I would give patients narcotics because gasping for air is painful to the patient. As a caregiver, this event is very difficult to watch. 

Yesterday, I watched the video of the suffocation of George Floyd. I became sick to my stomach from being so uncomfortable. I wanted to yell at my phone screen, "Who are these monsters, and why did EMTs not start compressions?" My eyes watered and my thoughts raced like "if I were a bystander I would do this, or I would do that." 

Then after some time, I decided that my thoughts were not true. 

My thoughts are not true, just like a travel nurse from the South who stated to me last week that "the media makes the race war much bigger than it is." 
My thoughts are not true in the same way that when I was a little girl waiting in the car and would see a black man pass by, I would lock the car door. Now, as an adult, I don’t remember  locking the door when a white man passed by. 

I ignored cries and videos because that was my privilege. I am no longer making this an option in my life. After Ahmaud Aubrey and George Floyd, I am hurting. I am outraged. I feel powerless, especially with a president who I see is constantly dividing us. I think now about my white family and friends who have been arrested. Their court experience and life after the arrest would be different if their skin color were different. My family for a period of time got support from food stamps and EBT cards, but we still were privileged and had the upper hand because of our skin color. 

I mourn for George Floyd. I think about how he was robbed of air and of his life. I have a best friend from college named Richard who is brilliant, supportive, driven, loving. Richard is my gentle giant.  In college I always went to Richard to talk about my problems  or to celebrate my victories. Without Richard, I would have DUIs or worse. I talked to Richard yesterday about how race was never brought up in our friendship. Richard's skin color is not the first thing I think of when I think of Richard.  Yesterday, I told him that I would work hard to educate myself and others about his race. I would also pledge to honor and value his race. I told him that I would use my white privilege to help end this war on racism. I know it starts with me to see my friend Richard never lose his life like George Floyd did.
Our glory Gainesville days
To my black honeys, I am sorry. I am sorry that I continue to learn from you about love and life and how to cook and dance but I never used my privilege -- until now. I will continue to educate myself, my friends and my family and my future children. I will continue to listen to you and learn from you to shape not a better future, but a better present.

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