I am moving to Jacksonville August 24th. Originally, numerous emotions of self-doubt and excitement came up for me, but now, I mostly feel victorious and triumphant.
Triumphant
For a long time I thought I had to live in New York for an extended period to prove myself. When I told some friends about my decision to move, one jokingly said, “New York was just too much for ya, huh?” I thought hard about that question. Was this city too much for me? That’s when my insecurity popped up but I’ve learned to acknowledge that when it happens. I thought “No, that is not true. I gave my all to New York. I am New York Tough. But I am not New York.”
With Covid, I was there for patient #1 and for the last one. I still showed up for my team and my patients. I feel victorious leaving rather than a failure. I can and did make it in NYC. But with every place, there is a time to stay and a time to leave. This is my time to move forward.
Resources
Battling COVID I learned more than ever before to pool resources. I know myself well enough to know I do not like asking for help, but I knew I could not do this alone. There are more resources for me in Jacksonville. There are resources for my mental health that I can take advantage of. I know now that I need open spaces like the beach. Moreover, I need to be within arms reach of my family. They are the ultimate resource for love for me. With Covid, my career changed overnight. I am a Covid nurse when I did not sign up or want to be, but I refuse to be a victim. I am taking my career and running with it, just now it will be with my new dog Dolly at the beach ;) I, too, am hoping to be a resource to my Floridians -- to show that the curve can flatten if you work for it, and to show that if COVID were like the flu, I would not have experienced what I did when I went to work.
Epiphany
Taylor Swift’s newest album contains a song titled “Epiphany.” “Epiphany” starts about her grandfather in a war, then progresses to him as a frontliner in the COVID crisis. This song hits differently for some than it does for others. For me I have to skip it. It brings back memories of holding hands through my gloves as the patient gasps for air, the sound of zipping up dead bodies after cleaning them, then eventually the desensitization of it because of it happening so often. Also, there are numerous thoughts that I replay: How many will Covid take from us today? Will my coworkers cause harm to their mothers, husbands, friends? When is my time coming? Questioning God, clinging to God, wanting answers, wanting rest, feeling guilt when I eventually got rest. I do not know if my epiphany will ever come. Maybe it is not meant to. I know that I would take all my trauma in my life over again not to go through what I saw to my people of NYC.
A time to leave
I am more than ready to see what Florida has to offer me this time around. I am leaving empowered knowing that I did make it in NYC, and I would and could do it again if/when I want to.
Triumphant
For a long time I thought I had to live in New York for an extended period to prove myself. When I told some friends about my decision to move, one jokingly said, “New York was just too much for ya, huh?” I thought hard about that question. Was this city too much for me? That’s when my insecurity popped up but I’ve learned to acknowledge that when it happens. I thought “No, that is not true. I gave my all to New York. I am New York Tough. But I am not New York.”
With Covid, I was there for patient #1 and for the last one. I still showed up for my team and my patients. I feel victorious leaving rather than a failure. I can and did make it in NYC. But with every place, there is a time to stay and a time to leave. This is my time to move forward.
Resources
Battling COVID I learned more than ever before to pool resources. I know myself well enough to know I do not like asking for help, but I knew I could not do this alone. There are more resources for me in Jacksonville. There are resources for my mental health that I can take advantage of. I know now that I need open spaces like the beach. Moreover, I need to be within arms reach of my family. They are the ultimate resource for love for me. With Covid, my career changed overnight. I am a Covid nurse when I did not sign up or want to be, but I refuse to be a victim. I am taking my career and running with it, just now it will be with my new dog Dolly at the beach ;) I, too, am hoping to be a resource to my Floridians -- to show that the curve can flatten if you work for it, and to show that if COVID were like the flu, I would not have experienced what I did when I went to work.
Epiphany
Taylor Swift’s newest album contains a song titled “Epiphany.” “Epiphany” starts about her grandfather in a war, then progresses to him as a frontliner in the COVID crisis. This song hits differently for some than it does for others. For me I have to skip it. It brings back memories of holding hands through my gloves as the patient gasps for air, the sound of zipping up dead bodies after cleaning them, then eventually the desensitization of it because of it happening so often. Also, there are numerous thoughts that I replay: How many will Covid take from us today? Will my coworkers cause harm to their mothers, husbands, friends? When is my time coming? Questioning God, clinging to God, wanting answers, wanting rest, feeling guilt when I eventually got rest. I do not know if my epiphany will ever come. Maybe it is not meant to. I know that I would take all my trauma in my life over again not to go through what I saw to my people of NYC.
A time to leave
I am more than ready to see what Florida has to offer me this time around. I am leaving empowered knowing that I did make it in NYC, and I would and could do it again if/when I want to.
Kelsey, Nothing you have experienced in your life is by accident. Life gives us lessons that are ours to learn from and , Kelsey, you are making the most of it. Keep your eyes opened and ears in tune and you do you. I think your move is a great thing for you. Love you sweet girl.
ReplyDeleteI have tears in my eyes as I read this. May God bless you in your Jacksonville Adventures!!! Hug D Man from his preschool teacher!
ReplyDeleteFollow your heart and do what is right for you. Proud of you!
ReplyDelete